Rock My Heart Read online

  If my jaw could have dropped to the floor, it would have.

  All this time, Kaz and I had been living a lie because he’d neglected to tell me something that was still a major part of his life.

  Anyway I cut it, sliced it or diced it, the father of my child was not only a rock star but a criminal and a gang member.

  Chapter Eight

  Burying The Past

  KAZ HAD LEFT dinner early, feigning a headache and paced in his guest suite as he spoke to Cillian.

  “Have you told her anything?”

  “Course not. I’m not a total eejit, brother,” Cillian replied in a casual voice. “Deartháir, is gá duit a insint gach rud di. It’s the only way you’re going to save what you’ve got.”

  Kaz sighed in an exasperated manner. “No, I don’t have to tell her a fucking thing because she will hate me if I’m that honest with her…and for Christ’s sake, speak fucking English. I hate when you break into that Gaelic shit.”

  “Sorry…it’s kind of a default thing when I get nervous and right now, my nerves are on edge because your old lady is having a nice, long conversation with Talia.”

  “So? She knows fuck all about the past. Jaden wouldn’t be that stupid.” Kaz sat on the bed and wished he had a drink. He desperately needed one and only something in the scotch or whiskey family would do.

  Cillian laughed out loud. “Jesus, man. Are you sure you two are best friends as well as brothers? The man is pussy-whipped over that broad. She knows much too much about the club and if he doesn’t make her his old lady soon, Dad is gonna get an itchy trigger finger.”

  “Trey Lennon is not a threat. He and Talia can’t stand one another and she certainly wouldn’t tell him shit. She is in love with Jaden—blood relation or not, he is merely her cousin and she wouldn’t give him anything on LS. She isn’t that stupid.”

  “Stupid or not, Trey is Trista’s brother and Trista is staying with her. Talia is trying to keep everything hush-hush but the girl is too terrified to say a word about anything that went down in Pine Bluff. She has no friends and the only person she talks to is Lennon ‘Linx’ Carter. I highly doubt they talk about club shit though—he’s from south Boston and almost ended up a carbon copy of her brother. He’s not the type to say shit even if she told him anything of importance. Bostonians, especially those from the rougher parts of the city, know how to keep their mouths closed and he’s got too much on the line, including an ex-wife and two wee ones.”

  Kaz placed his brother on speaker phone, rubbed his temples and tried to concentrate as he sat on the bed. “What can Talia tell Sydney?”

  “It isn’t what Talia can tell Sydney…it’s what she can show her. Jaden got paranoid because although he’s trying to desperately end things with Faith, well, they aren’t going as planned. Sometimes, Faith has been over to his house and he caught her going through some of his shit. He got spooked and gave Talia the photo album. That way Faith can’t get hold of it and in a fit of jealousy, sell the photos to the tabloids. It would be a disaster for the club and your band. Dad would have her murdered behind it—Jaden knew that and so do you.”

  “Fuck…that photo of you, Jaden and me with Dad standing next to us is in there.”

  “And what’s to say she doesn’t already know about it?” Cillian paused. “Shit, it’s Syd on the other line. Gotta go little brother but why don’t you wait until you get home to tell her? I have a feeling she isn’t going to want to talk to you tonight.”

  Kaz hung up the phone and it took everything in him not to smash it into a million pieces. He set it on the bedside table and rifled through his suitcase until he found an emergency pint of Macallan. It wasn’t much and certainly wouldn’t get him as drunk as he liked but he opened it and downed half the bottle in a couple of gulps.

  His whole life was spinning out of control and he had absolutely no idea how to stop the inevitable from happening. He didn’t like this because as much as what had happened between him and Syd up until this point in their relationship, he could still rectify the situation.

  Hell, Kaz was not only a master manipulator but he could spin the story so he came out on top and there was nothing she would say about it.

  He knew Syd and the last thing she wanted to happen was to end up in her mother’s shoes. She didn’t want to raise their child alone and no matter how much she tried to fight that urge to let it all go, she wouldn’t. Something inside of her still believed in fairytales and happy endings. They were so perfect together and she would make sure they stayed together, regardless how bumpy or ugly things became between the two of them. It wasn’t in her prim and proper DNA to give up on anything she wanted and Kaz instinctively knew she wanted him.

  How could he talk his way out of this one though? Now she knew the truth—or at least he had to assume she knew the truth because Talia was all about honesty—what would she think of him now?

  There was a huge difference between marrying a rock star and marrying a gangster thug who belonged to a motorcycle club.

  Fuck!

  His whole life flashed before his eyes and all he could see were the mistakes he’d made and the people he’d wronged. She deserved better but how could he give that to her now?

  There was a knock at the door before Laurel poked her head in and smiled. She and her sister looked more alike than different except for the eyes: Laurel’s irises were an enigmatic hazel-green which made her exotic face all the more stunning.

  “Hey, I hope I am not bothering you. Will and Grant were a little worried so they sent me up here to make sure you’re okay,” she greeted though her smile was plastered on and she seemed more nervous than happy.

  “I’m fine, really. I should have brought Syd and now I realize what a stupid thing I did by leaving her at home.” He smiled back at her before he finished the pint and threw it in the garbage can.

  “Okay, well, I’ll let them know you’re okay and that should take care of everything.”

  Laurel began to back out of the room before he called her name and she paused.

  Kaz closed his eyes and finally choked out, “Can I ask you something…private about Syd?”

  Laurel reluctantly walked over and sat on the bed beside him before she breathed out loud. “It depends on what it is you want to ask me, Kaz. She’s my best friend so obviously, my loyalty is going to be to her and not you.”

  “What does she hate most? I mean, what can turn her heart ice cold?”

  Laurel rolled intriguing eyes. “Talk about a loaded question. I have known Sydney since we were in diapers and the only issue she’s ever had a problem with is deception. If you plan to make a life with her, tell her the whole story. No Cliff Notes versions and don’t you dare leave out something she would probably consider important—”

  “Yeah, and what if I have already done that?”

  She wrung her hands together as if she were the one carrying the secret instead of him. “Then when you do see her, tell her the truth. She’ll forgive you because she’s in love with you, Kaz. We all have secrets and rules we like to adhere by but we also know they go right out of the window when love is involved.”

  “Sometimes…” he trailed off.

  Laurel leaned over and kissed him gently on the forehead. “All the time. Love may not conquer all but it can solve a lot of issues if you are both willing to put in the work and make this relationship as good as it can possibly be.”

  He watched her walk out and yet again, he was left with his ugly thoughts.

  If Kaz was smart, he would have raced to McCarran, caught the first plane smoking and tried to fix the issues between him and Syd immediately.

  There was a stubborn part of him that refused to adhere to anyone’s goals or expectations for him and this side won out in the end. He would win Syd back but their whole struggle would have to take place the following day when he returned home from Vegas.

  Chapter Nine

  Stray

  I HAD TO admit by the time Cillian picked
me up, I was beyond angry.

  It might have had to do with what Talia had shown me but more than the photos were the deception and lies about what Kaz’s life was like. Everything became so clear and all the sudden, the puzzle pieces fit into place.

  I understood now how he ended up with Keren and why they’d had such a volatile relationship. Talia couldn’t tell me much but that was okay; I had Cillian and I planned to make him tell me everything I wanted to know or he would be staying at the clubhouse or a hotel that night.

  I was in a no-bullshit kind of mood and no one was going to ruin this for me. I needed to know the truth because if Kaz and I were going to make this right then I needed the whole truth and nothing but.

  “How was your day with Tal?” Cillian wondered as he drove us back to the home I shared with Kaz.

  “Pretty uneventful and girly until she showed me the photo album.” My eyes were cold but I couldn’t help the sheer feeling of betrayal.

  I didn’t know Kaz at all and that is what hurt me the most. I’d spent all this time with a stranger.

  “Oh, yeah…that.” Cillian sighed out loud. “If it’s any consolation, he didn’t tell you because he’s deeply ashamed and embarrassed about that time in his life. He was searching for a father figure because the man he was raised with certainly did a bang-up fucking job. How was he supposed to know that the worst thing about growing up with no father figure at all is growing up with a father like ours? Dizzy isn’t likely to win any ‘Father of the Year’ awards any time soon.”

  “That’s bullshit, and we both know it. I didn’t grow up with my real father either. My grandfather was my father figure and I love him with all my heart. I was completely open and honest about my childhood and I only expected the same from him. I didn’t believe for one second he would drop little nuggets into my lap and then expect me to be happy with them. I couldn’t fathom talking to him right now because I don’t want to hear his excuses and lies.” I pulled my long blonde hair into a bun and decided I needed to make an appointment at the hairdresser. I needed at least three inches cut off.

  “Well, to be fair…he didn’t lie to you—he simply omitted the truth.” Cillian pulled into the large garage and parked the Escalade. “I mean, did you really want to hear about the kind of crimes he committed while he was an LS member? Do you want to become an accessory after the fact when you two aren’t married and there isn’t anything in place to stop some lousy Fed from making you spill everything you know? He was doing you a favor and right now, you’re acting extremely fucking selfish about a situation you don’t know shit about.”

  I got out of the car and felt slightly woozy on my feet before the nausea passed and I was able to walk inside the ostentatious mansion I now called my home.

  This was my abode and I couldn’t just run back to my mother and grandfather because life hadn’t worked out the way I thought it would with my rock god.

  I tried to think of what had me so on edge at that very moment before I grabbed a bottle of Evian out of the fridge and slammed it with my right foot.

  “You know what irritates me?” I turned on Cillian who’d already poured himself a tumbler of Jack Daniels and glared at me intently with those crystal blue eyes. “You act like all of this is in his past. He never patched out, and he’s still a fucking gang member! How is that supposed to make me feel better about this situation?”

  “First of all, darlin’, we’re a motorcycle club—we aren’t the Italian mafia, the Bloods or the Crips—”

  “You’re talking semantics, Cillian, and don’t act like just because I’m blonde, I’m as dumb as a box of rocks. The Feds don’t recognize MCs because they are always up to illegal shit and don’t tell me I’m wrong. I know that Kaz has probably hurt and murdered people. I’m not an idiot. He has never left the life therefore your dad can get on the phone any goddamn time he feels like it and order him back to do a job.”

  He shook his head before he swallowed half his whiskey. “Dizzy wouldn’t do that when Kaz is a rock star and makes tons of money. He sends us about a third of what the club makes in income per year. It would be stupid to bring him back into the fold and my father is not stupid.”

  “Really? If your dad is so brilliant then why hasn’t he given Kaz his walking papers? This story could potentially ruin his career and we both know it. Why isn’t he free of this sordid and seedy lifestyle? And what are you really down here for? I swear to God if you say ‘club business’, I will fucking scream my head off.” My eyes looked away from his because I knew I had gone too far but I couldn’t be bothered at the moment.

  “Fine. You want to know why I am really down here? I was curious about you and my fucking old lady was driving me insane. Gisela is breathing down my neck for me to be on my best behavior and it just occurred to me that I could do real time for this crime. I mean…life…I could be sentenced to life in prison. Hell, I could even get the death penalty and I…I couldn’t stay there any longer.”

  He swallowed his Jack Daniels and poured himself another glass. “So, I’m trying to let it sink in because I can’t run. Me Da would kill me himself so I have no choice but to see this trial out but it hasn’t started. Next Monday, the Prosecution begins their case…the State of Nevada against Cillian Alastar Cox and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. So…yeah, I’m scared that these might be my last days of freedom.”

  “Is that all?” I folded my arms against my breasts.

  Cillian smiled and winked at me with those gorgeous crystal blue eyes which were brilliant against his brown hair, facial hair and lightly tanned skin. “Well, Kaz has a big mouth and when he told me he was engaged to this sweet blonde who’d never been with another man besides him, it definitely interested me to meet such a person.”

  Men and their fucking dicks.

  “Really?” I couldn’t help the smirk that formed on my face. “It kind of just happened. I am not some angel. I was a virgin because I’d never had sex before but it wasn’t because I hadn’t seen a cock or given a blow job. I’m no angel and yes, Kaz was my first but it was on my terms, not his.”

  “Well, I just kind of thought that was a bit sad. I mean, you’re gonna marry a man and he’s the only man you’ve been with? You aren’t the least bit curious about what another man’s cock might feel like moving inside you?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Of course I’m curious or you wouldn’t be staying here.”

  Cillian’s look changed from somewhat seductive to shocked. “What do you mean?”

  “Kaz isn’t sure he still wants to marry me.” I swallowed so loudly, I swore he could hear it. My arms dropped to my sides and I shrugged nonchalantly. “He left his engagement ring on the bureau before he left for Vegas. When I asked him about it, he was non-committal and at this point, I don’t know what he feels for me and it makes me want to punch something!”

  I turned away from him and walked into the sitting room before my hands loosened my long hair and allowed it to flow freely.

  The tears came whether I wanted them to and coupled with an anxiety attack that had me clutching my chest, I collapsed to the floor and began to sob.

  I knew Cillian had followed me but I didn’t want his pity.

  “Don’t fucking touch me and don’t tell me you know how I feel because you haven’t a fucking clue how it feels to love someone so much…you almost hate them at the same time. Kaz drives me fucking bat-shit crazy and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I think everything happened too fast and I should have cheated on him and sampled other men. He gave me the opportunity early on in our relationship but I knew I would be fine with the same old cock for the rest of my life.”

  I bunched my hands into fists and squeezed so hard, my nails dug into my palms. “I was a stupid fucking twenty-three year old who didn’t know shit and I hate that chick because she didn’t know anything about the real world and now look at the mess she’s caused. My fiancé isn’t sure he wants me and his half-brother is hitting on me in the
middle of me falling the fuck apart and then I think…why I am crying? I’m beautiful and rich and plenty of men will still want me if we aren’t together. But…the truth is I’m not sure how well I would recover if Kaz wasn’t in my life.”

  Cillian walked over and sat down across from me on the floor and I was vaguely reminded of an old movie my mother made me sit through called Sixteen Candles. It was from her wayward youth.

  “You know my mom was only twenty-one when she had me because she thought she was in love and it cost her everything.” I finally looked into those mesmerizing blue eyes. “After I was born, she knew she’d been in love and although she still dates and has these great love affairs, my father broke her heart. She won’t ever fall in love with another man again and I don’t know if it’s a Scandinavian thing but…I inherited it. Kaz would be my one and only love. I will never love as deeply and passionately as I love him and I have come to terms with that but…I still think we can be saved. I’m a stupid bitch, aren’t I?”